Should I Get Back With My Ex?

An obvious question that pops into nearly every person’s head at some point or another is, should I get back together with my ex?

There are two big significant questions to ask yourself. The first: is this problem(s) fixable? ….One could argue of course, anything is technically fixable with both people’s involvement and desire to try again, but now let’s take a step further and ask a more specific question: is problem fixable between the two of YOU?

Both of you have to be willing and able to make changes in order for your relationship dynamic to change. Remember, if you can’t get what you need, it doesn’t make sense for either one of you to get together and try again.

The second question to ask yourself is incredibly important and often ignored. What has changed for both of you? What have you both done to improve upon yourselves to benefit your relationship in terms of how you interact and how you approach challenges? Remember, this work has to come from both of you. If only one of you is putting in the time and effort to improve, your relationship will still be imbalanced.

One of you cannot take on the expectations and responsibilities that should be coming from both of you. It’s not sustainable nor is the effort equal. The core problems that once existed are likely to continue if you don’t address the issues head on, and come up with realistic and lasting changes to ensure whatever has caused issues in the past, does not continue. 

Unless both of you have taken the time and made the conscious choice to truly grow, develop new skills, and learn new tools, you’re most likely going to find yourself back in the same place where you were before but possibly more heart broken.

Do you both want the same things at the same time? You both have to be in this together for a relationship to work properly. Sometimes what you want and what your partner wants doesn’t always align and this could pertain to commitment, lifestyle choices, children versus no children, religion, financial differences.

Some of these major points can change with time for people as we learn and grow. Sometimes it feels like a square peg, round hole situation where maybe you align in most areas but not in other areas, even if it’s just one area, if you two can’t find common ground, that’s a problem.

You want to get back together with someone for the right reasons and the right reasons are reasons that are realistic, rational and healthy for both of you.

You should never get back together with someone because you’re lonely and vulnerable, because you miss the comfort of being with someone, because you’re horny, because you need a date to your friend’s wedding, because you feel pressure from others.

These are not healthy reasons to get back together with someone. Before you even pursue your ex, make sure that you identify the true reasons why you want to reach out and potentially get back together.

Regardless of your knee jerk reaction of whether you do or don’t think getting back together with your ex is a good idea, first connect with friends and family, work on building and strengthening your mindset, working out, starting a new hobby, experiencing the world and truly living your life to the fullest. Start doing the things that you gave up when you got into the relationship.

Once you’ve spent some time in this headspace, then you can assess your feelings and what’s best for you moving forward.

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