An obvious question that pops into nearly every person’s head after a breakup is, should I get back together with my ex?
There are two big questions to ask yourself. The first question: is this problem fixable? ….One could argue of course, anything is technically fixable with both people’s involvement and desire to try again, but now let’s take a step further and ask a more specific question: is problem fixable between the two of YOU? For example, let’s say you break up with someone because you want them to be more supportive of you. It’s reasonable for someone to work on this and become more supportive in the way that you personally feel supported, however, this doesn’t mean that this person is capable or willing to give you what you need. If you can’t get what you need, it doesn’t make sense for either one of you to get together and try again.
The second question to ask yourself is incredibly important and often ignored. What has changed for both of you? What have you both done to improve upon yourselves to benefit your relationship in terms of how you interact and how you approach challenges? Remember, this work has to come from both of you. If only one of you is putting in the time and effort to improve, your relationship will still be imbalanced. One of you cannot take on the expectations and responsibilities that should be coming from both of you because it’s not sustainable nor is the effort equal. The core problems that once existed are likely to continue if you don’t address the issues head on, and come up with realistic and lasting changes to ensure whatever has caused issues in the past, does not continue. Unless both of you have done a lot of work on yourselves and have taken the time and made the conscious choice to truly grow, develop new skills, and learn new tools, you’re most likely going to find yourself back in the same place where you were before but possibly more heart broken.
Do you both want the same things at the same time? You both have to be in this together for a relationship to work properly. Sometimes what you want and what your partner wants doesn’t always align and this could pertain to commitment, lifestyle choices, children versus no children, religion, financial differences. Some of these major points can change with time for people as we learn and grow. Sometimes it feels like a square peg, round hole situation where maybe you align in most areas but not in other areas, even if it’s just one area, if you two can’t find common ground, that’s a problem.
You want to get back together with someone for the right reasons and the right reasons are reasons that are realistic, rational and healthy for both of you.
You should never get back together with someone because you’re lonely and vulnerable, because you miss the comfort of being with someone, because you’re horny, because you need a date to your friend’s wedding, because you feel pressure from others. These are not healthy reasons to get back together with someone. Before you even pursue your ex, make sure that you identify the true reasons why you want to reach out and potentially get back together.
You want to distract yourself by keeping busy, maintaining a positive attitude and heal from your breakup. You can do this by connecting with friends and family, work on building and strengthening your mindset, working out, starting a new hobby, experiencing the world and truly living your life to the fullest. Start doing the things that you gave up when you got into the relationship.
Make a list of everything that bothered you about your ex and read it either to yourself or out loud whenever you feel the urge to stalk your ex. Put a reward system in place where each day that you don’t stalk your ex, you get to spoil yourself with something whether it be your favorite meal, to buy that cute shirt from the mall or watch that movie you’ve been dying to check out.
Unfriending and blocking your ex on all social media platforms is a great way to stop obsessing and checking your various accounts several times a day to keep tabs or wallow.
Accepting that your ex is no longer in your life isn’t an easy process, it takes time and healing. The same thing goes for you resisting the urge to hop on social media and track your ex’s every move. This is why the relationship recovery process is so important. The more you heal completely, the less likely you are to have the desire to keep tabs on your ex.
If you try these various steps and you’re still having problems separating, I highly encourage you to reach out for further support.