1. Do proper screen before a first date– Proper screening is a huge key to not wasting your time going on first dates that should never happen in the first place. Any guy who you’re planning on going out with, screen him with a preliminary call before going on the date (a text conversation doesn’t count).
This call will allow you to weed out anyone you don’t want to go out with. You can tell from a 20 minute phone call whether you’re interested enough to go out on the date. Ask yourself questions like: is this person interested in getting to know me? Do I feel a connection? Is the conversation enjoyable and easy? Does this person seem friendly and interesting? Do we have things in common? Am I getting a good vibe?
If they won’t agree to speak to you on the phone before the date, don’t go on the date.
While on the phone, listen for red flags. If you hear a red flag, dig into it a bit and if you feel you’re not interested, then decline the date. It’s better to let someone down gently then to be “too nice” and end up stuck with a wackadoodle for two hours, spare yourself.
If you don’t pick up on any red flags, set up your first date on the phone.
Confirm the date/time/location 24 hours in advance of the date by text or phone to limit people being flaky or canceling on you last minute.
- Do have a positive attitude
I know it’s not easy to always maintain a positive attitude when you’re dating, it’s easier said than done but it is really important. Dating can be exhausting and difficult since you don’t know what you’re going to get. It’s difficult to maintain a level of excitement and positivity when you don’t know what you’re about to encounter but keep in mind that nobody wants to date someone with a negative outlook. Remember, positive energy attracts positive attention.
- Do have realistic expectations
It’s not a good idea to walk into a date and hope that this will be your happily ever after. Don’t put that much pressure on the other person, the date or frankly yourself. Relax and go with the flow. Enjoy the conversation, allow things to happen naturally. Also, realize that you’re not going to get everything you want in a partner.
Please don’t look for perfection because you won’t find it, the goal is to look for someone who is perfect for you. If you don’t like a character trait about a person, that’s completely fair, if you don’t like the person’s sweater choice- depending on how ugly it is (haha) that might be a bit harsh.
- Do listen and pay attention
When people tell you who they are believe them. The first date is all about picking up on things that yes are sometimes obvious but more importantly in a lot of ways are the subtle things that don’t necessary seem so apparent whether it’s their reaction to certain things, their manners, their body language. A lot of people want to talk a lot in order to sell themselves, no selling necessary here, you’re a catch, they will see that if they are a good fit for you.
I know we like being asked about ourselves and they should be asking you questions, wanting to get to know you better, but spend as much time as possible listening to what they have to say. All the info you need to determine whether you want to go out with this person again is wrapped up in their responses.
- Do trust your gut
This is one of the biggest and most common mistakes that I see singles make. Often when a client or even a friend breaks up with someone, one of the first things they mention to me is that there were several red flags and they didn’t trust their gut. ALWAYS trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore or bury that feeling, you have the feeling for a reason and it’s a real mistake to ignore it. Explore the feeling and get the facts you need to then make the decision that feels best for you.
- Do discuss things that matter to you
Talk about things that interest you, something you’re passionate about. When you talk about things that you care about, not only do you seem interesting but you’re also showing different sides of your personality, which is great.
- Do focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses
Focus on your good qualities and enhance them, don’t focus on your limitations or the qualities you don’t find as flattering. If you focus on your not so great qualities, your date may think of you as negative, having low self esteem and seeming insecure. It can easily make the other person uncomfortable and feeling awkward so best to avoid even if you’re trying to be funny by being self deprecating.
1. Don’t come on too strong
Sometimes when we really like someone and catch feelings quickly, we can come on a bit too strong. We want a partner, you love the feelings they give you, you’re excited, they give you all the feels so you want more and more of it. It can be a bit intense for the other person if you’re trying to hit the fast forward button, just enjoy it.
It’s great if you feel a lot for someone but pace yourself as much as possible and wait for the time you spend together to catch up with your feelings and don’t be so caught up more on the idea of them than what’s actually there and you don’t miss any actual traits and quirks that are important for you to see both good and bad.
2. Don’t make assumptions
Assumptions can get us into trouble. Because it’s easier than ever to meet new people, we find our patience and tolerance to be extremely limited where sometimes we cut the cord on people a little too quickly. When we judge people and assume certain things about them, we can screw ourselves and appear close minded.
If you have an inkling about someone, ask questions to confirm your thoughts- sometimes you will be right and sometimes you won’t. I wouldn’t want you to wrongly assume something about someone and discount them, when they could have been a great match for you. Get all the facts and then decide what you want to do.
3. Don’t waste time on someone who you know isn’t right for you
I wasted some prime dating years dating guys who never deserved more than 5 minutes of my time. We stay in relationships that we shouldn’t for a lot of reasons- a lack of worthiness, comfortability, not wanting to be alone, fear of what other people would think or say, pressure from others, the list goes on and then we look back and regret it. Remember that every minute you are spending with someone who isn’t suitable for you are minutes taken away from someone else who could be someone incredible.
We live once and we don’t get time back. We want to be really careful who we spend our time with. At any point whether it be the second date or the second year of dating, if you don’t feel that this person is right for you, listen to your instincts and end things. You are far better off being alone than with someone who you don’t have a potential solid future with.
4. Don’t talk badly about your exs
Talking badly about your ex doesn’t make your ex look bad, it makes you look bad and we don’t want that. Not only does it make you feel and come across as negative, it makes you look bitter and angry and not having moved past the situation. It also starts off a potential relationship with someone new in a negative light and psychologically you may be waiting for this person to do the same thing that your ex did to you to potential cause the breakup to happen.
Remember, what you focus on is what you get more of, even if it’s negative. Leave the past in the past, look at every opportunity moving forward as a blank slate and a chance to build something not only different, but great.
5. Don’t get drunk
Have 2 drinks max on the date. You want to be clear headed. Getting drunk and possibly making a fool of yourself is not worth the risk, especially if you’re on a date with someone who you may have potential with. Your date will assume you’re more interested in getting drunk than you’re getting to know them and rightfully so. A lot of people will drink too much because they are nervous or uncomfortable, the alcohol will make it worse though, not better.
Another cause for concern is that you are out with someone who you barely know, if you get drunk, you won’t be making good decisions for you or your body and you can end up in a dangerous situation.
6. Don’t get into any negative chatter
This goes along with the same principle of talking badly about your ex. You want to be careful about what you say and what you emphasize because this will be what your date understands about you. You don’t want to complain about your friends, your job, your family, where you live etc. It’s not a good look.
For example, if you’re on a date with someone who says: “My job kind of sucks but I have no idea what I would be good at so it’s a placeholder for now, I don’t really have close friends because I work so much, I see my family twice a year when I have to for holidays, I like the warm weather so I don’t really know why I live in NY, I kind of hate it here” versus “I’m a pediatrics nurse and I love what I do.
Being able to help sick kids is challenging but it also lights me up to make as many of my patients smile as often as possible. I really have a small group of close knit friends who I adore, I’m very close to my sister. I just started playing guitar, I’m not very good yet but I’m getting there. It’s really calming and allows me to be creative. Next I want to try singing lessons”.
Who would you rather date?